Missing

I have been feeling cold,
empty even.
You know as well
as I do that this
is not a good thing.
I am going through
the motions again,
but not feeling
anything from them.
I go to school,
I do my work,
I council others when
they come to me,
but I really can’t care too much.
I care too much
and then I get hurt,
and for the past
couple weeks I have
been slowly backing off,
shutting down.
I don’t think that
I am there yet,
not really anyways.
But I am close,
closer than I have been
since a certain someone
thawed me out.
It’s frightening
to think that I have
come this far and
then I am falling again.
I want my ducks back,
and I want them
in a certain order,
and I want them
to stay there.
But more than that
I want to be not alone.
Even when I was with
Kevin was alone,
I haven’t been not alone
in a long time.
I miss the feeling
of completion,
like half of me is missing
and I want it back.
I don’t want a boyfriend,
I don’t want to date.
I want a companion,
someone who I can
share things with,
and who can trust me to
confide in me the way
that I do to them.
I want my other half,
the missing piece that
you once filled.
I’m afraid that until I get
that I may keep falling,
and if I keep falling
I may go too deep.