Catch Me

So I am falling for him.
I tried not to, not because
I don’t like him,
god knows I do –
but rather because
of my fear of him
hurting me. I know
he would never,
not consciously anyway,
but I also can’t help
feeling like there is
something in the darkness
that I never want to know.
Something I have tasted
but never fully experienced
before. So I tried to
stop myself, to not text him,
to not call him “babe”.
To not get warm inside
when he called me “sweetheart”.
I tried so hard. But, the thing is,
I cant stop chasing him.
I can’t and frankly
I don’t want to either.
If it weren’t for this
overwhelming exhaustion
I have I wouldn’t mind
the least. But I am so tired.
God I am so tired it hurts.
I just want stability,
something to fall back on
when the rest of my world crashes.
And I know my world will crash,
it’s only a matter of time.
Time and everything
I have done will fall;
leaving only the things
that can stand on their own.
If he isn’t there, isn’t with me,
I don’t know what I will do.
Even you can’t support me
when this time comes.
So what will I do when I fall,
and no one is there to catch me?

Weak Knees, Weak Heart

So this possible boyfriend
of mine is, well, he just is.
Frankly I don’t know
what the hell I am doing with him.
We are not dating, I know that.
He likes me, I know that too.
And I can sort of understand
his reluctance. I feel slightly
the same way. But we can’t
do what ever it is we are doing
for much longer. I feel like
I am chasing a dream
when I just wake up;
I know it’s a good one
and I want so badly to hold on to it,
but, like most good dreams,
it slips threw my fingers like dry sand.
I want this. I need it. But I can’t
keep chasing something that
I have no hope of catching.
It is just too exhausting for me
right now. He says have hope,
“hope for the best”, and I do.
God knows it is that hope that keeps
me from freezing solid.
But it is but a candle in a blizzard;
capable of starting a blaze to save me
and just as capable of flickering out,
leaving me even more lost
than when I set out. I am just so sick
of being tired all the time
and unable to sleep. I find myself
staying up, talking to him,
just to make my body as tired as my mind.
I guess that there is not much
that you can do, if anything at all,
but I just wish he would stop running.
So what if the ground starts to shake
underneath him? If anything it may
help make his knees stronger.
If not then I will be there
to help him back up.

Definition of Irony

Haven’t written to you in a while.
Haven’t had the need to I guess.
Funny, that is, because I haven’t
gone to school in two weeks.
That is also funny because I have
been less numb these past two weeks
than I have ever before. I have Justin
to thank for both ironies.
He makes me happy, god does
he make me happy.
But he is a guy so, logically;
he drives me up the wall
at the same time. And then,
of course, there is you.
And your lack of communication,
of course. The thought actually
came to me yesterday that
you could be in the hospital again.
I mean, hell, I haven’t talked to you
in four days. The last time that happened,
when we were actually one speaking terms
of course, was when you tried to off yourself.
But, thank god, you texted me.
Put my over active imagination to rest.
But it never really helps. I still wonder
about you all the time. If you are happy.
If you are okay. If the latest drama
has paid its toll on you yet.
Things are not like they used to be
between us, are they? Oddly enough
I am okay with that. Or I would be
if my mind would stop freaking
out about things that may be going wrong
in your life. Really, the only thing that I miss,
is my ear to talk off. And not even that.
It’s the companionable silence I crave
that you gave to me. Sitting on your porch,
a pack of smokes, a lighter, and nothing to
talk about. I need that again. That’s why
I called you the other day. I need to sit
next to you and know that you were there.
To smoke and know that you didn’t care,
that you were sitting there smoking next to me.
The thought, the simply concept of knowing
that I am not alone, and never will be.
The simple rationale that if I call at anytime
you will answer. So, when you didn’t get back to me,
when I didn’t know that you were there,
I felt nothing. And once again
we come back to the feeling of numbness
I fear so much. Funny how it always
comes back to that, huh?