Fly

His name is Ben.
I will go out and
tell you that right now.
Reading over the
previous letters I
feel almost ashamed
at how many guys
I have fawned over.
I won’t go and say
that he is it. I can’t
say that. But I will
say this; he is what
you used to be.
He is what I had hoped
Justin would be.
He is what I have
looked for ever since
I gave up on you.
I am falling for him and,
honestly, I hope that
I never stop falling.
Because if I never stop
falling then I can
never hit the ground.

Missing

I have been feeling cold,
empty even.
You know as well
as I do that this
is not a good thing.
I am going through
the motions again,
but not feeling
anything from them.
I go to school,
I do my work,
I council others when
they come to me,
but I really can’t care too much.
I care too much
and then I get hurt,
and for the past
couple weeks I have
been slowly backing off,
shutting down.
I don’t think that
I am there yet,
not really anyways.
But I am close,
closer than I have been
since a certain someone
thawed me out.
It’s frightening
to think that I have
come this far and
then I am falling again.
I want my ducks back,
and I want them
in a certain order,
and I want them
to stay there.
But more than that
I want to be not alone.
Even when I was with
Kevin was alone,
I haven’t been not alone
in a long time.
I miss the feeling
of completion,
like half of me is missing
and I want it back.
I don’t want a boyfriend,
I don’t want to date.
I want a companion,
someone who I can
share things with,
and who can trust me to
confide in me the way
that I do to them.
I want my other half,
the missing piece that
you once filled.
I’m afraid that until I get
that I may keep falling,
and if I keep falling
I may go too deep.

Place Holder

So I have a boyfriend.
And it’s not him.
Someone else attempted
to whisk me away and
I let them, not really
out feelings of safety
and comfort,
but rather feelings of
helplessness and lust.
And I am going along
with this whole girlfriend role,
playing the part
to pass the time.
I honestly don’t believe
that anything will come of this.
We will kiss
and we will fool around,
but in the end,
and there will be an end,
it will amount to nothing.
He will leave,
and I may cry,
though the tears
do not seem very eminent.
Hell I may even leave him
when it comes down to it.
The truth of the matter is
I am in love with someone else.
Not even you this time.
About six months ago
I gave my heart away to someone
and I never really got it back.
The funny thing is
I don’t really want it back.
I want the one I love to have it,
to hold it. Because I know,
like I know my name
is in fact my name,
that he will never harm
it’s beating mass.
He will never break me,
never beat me down,
never let me fall.
Even if I happen to fall
for other reasons,
he will be there,
carefully putting the pieces
back together again.
So I have a boyfriend.
And he is nothing more
than something to fill
my arms when I am cold.
A jacket that I will end up
taking off, casting aside,
even if the person I truly want
never does come.
Because I gave my heart away
a while ago, and I don’t ever
want it back.

god is she hot
and short too
your type

i know this

she likes the same music as you do
and her body is perfect
do you remember her in cooks forest

yup

did she wear a bikini?

i think so

i love it when she goes tanning at our house
on the deck out back
this one time she just said screw it and took off the top completely

hahaha nice

it was hot
i cant even count how many times i have seen her naked

so0o0o0o0 u trying to make me stab myself or what?

and god do i love it when she wears her hair down

*stabs self*

i can keep going if you want

i remember playing with her hair when it was still wet

the shampoo she uses at home smells soo good
she loves to have her hair played with too

guh
i know
i loved every second of it

the only thing i dont like about her body is the scars
did you ever see the little round one on her back?

not that i know of
i dunno

i did that to her
we were drunk
and we burned each other with cigs

u know what i think i did see that
either that or uve told me the story
cause that sounds so familiar

but yeah, i hate the scars
the ones on her near perfect arms
the one on her hand
the ones on her legs too, they go up pretty high, but i am sure you dont want to hear that

ug no
not from u
i wana see em myself

and then there is her stomach

she has that many scars?

no, no scars on her stomach

oh

its my favorate place because its the only place with out any

o0o0o

its perfectly smooth
and her little belly button, with the piercing

hahaha

and her chest
it has scars

wow

but it is still amazing
perfect set

hahaha

flawed only with random markings of her own hand
there is one
on her left one i think
she took a pin to her it and put pen ink in the cut to try to make a tatoo, its of a heart

hahaha

and higher up on her chest are markings when she took a pen cap to herself
a couple from pen caps
another on her upper arm

pen caps?
thats kinda random

yeah
she was freaking out, couldnt find her blade, tore up her room, and came away with a pen cap
just scratched the hell out of herself

awwww geez

and you wanna know something amazing?

whats that

ask me how she got through it all

ummm
u?

yup

nice
thats why i care so much

thats why i cant ever let her go
even through the drugs, when i would stop talking to her, i knew she would come back to me
and thats why i hate her, for letting me fall in love with her so much
its making things rather complicated now

yeah i bet

9 fucking years

thats a long time

yup

My Hell

I know that smile of yours
The one you rarely show
The one I coaxed from your lips
Only a few times
And I know what makes it hide
The demons you despise
Cursed objects of your admiration
For what can make one such as yourself
Cower in pure fright?
But I also know of a lighter topic
Of a river of tears
So damn strong even the mote of my thumb
Cannot hold them back
Because for what you weep
Is a separate demon all on its own
One of beauty and loss
Of love and fear of loathing
A demon you play with often
A demon you chose over me

Far, Far Away

I was driving to dog sit today.
It was about eleven
at night when I decided to leave.
On the way home
I came to a dead end road,
with one of those yellow signs
with the arrow
pointing in both directions,
as if people couldn't see
that the road did
in fact end there.
Left was home.
Right was not.
I turned right, and sped.
After about twenty minutes
I turned around,
realizing I was missing
two things I needed to do
what I so badly wanted;
my phone charger,
and my computer.
If I had happened
to bring both of these things,
I would probably be in PA
right now, and have no intentions
of going back.

Please Tell Me

I don’t know how you did it.
Be happy that is.
Somehow you managed
to do what I have always
wanted to do.
You became normal.
Its not that I don’t
want to be happy.
God knows I do.
But, it’s like I have
spent the past six
years doing something.
Everyday.
Constantly.
There was no brake,
no reprieve.
Just day in day out.
I did it for six years.
And someone went
and flipped a switch on me.
All of a sudden I don’t
have to do that thing anymore.
I don’t have to do it,
I don’t have to think about it,
I don’t have to dwell
on doing it tomorrow.
Its over. And I don’t
know how to handle myself
with out it. I spent the past
six years feeling like shit,
and now, all of a sudden,
I don’t. just like that.
I should be feeling happy,
feeling relieved that
that part of my life is over.
But instead I feel, well,
in all honesty, I feel empty.
Dry. Cold.
Like what made me who
I was is gone, and now
I have to find something
else to do with my time.
Even writing doesn’t hold
such an appeal as it did before.
I wrote to get away,
and now I have nothing
to get away from.
I am actually looking
for things to be upset about.
I search my surroundings
for something that is amiss,
something that can set me off.
So tell me, how did you do it?
How did you go from
being like what we were,
to this? How did you flip
the switch and not close your eyes to the
light?