Who I Am

So she wants to hang out
with me tomorrow.
And I want to see her.
More than anything
I want to feel like
I am not alone.
But I am feeling apprehensive.
I don’t know if I can
take seeing her. I don’t know
if I can advert my eyes
from her wrist, if I can
look away and pretend
that its all okay. And if I can’t,
if I cant make myself
look away and simply “hang out”,
then I will talk. And neither
of us can take the talking.
So what do I do?
Do I sit at home,
doing nothing, feeling
more alone by the moment?
Or do I have her over,
hold her and bite my tongue
until it bleeds? Scar tissue
will form there, and I will
forever have a reminder
that I am weak,
that I can’t handle even
the simplest of things.
Another constant reminder
of what I am and
what I have become.