Here and Now

I am on new meds.
Zoloft and now
all I can think about
is that little bouncing ball thing
with the lady bug.
Unfortunately I am not bouncing yet.
I would like to be, but I am not.
Instead I am sitting here,
losing my mind
over all of the work
that I have to do,
the giant hole that
I have dug and now
I can’t get myself out of it.
Not only that, but it feels
like that hole is closing me in,
tapping me down
in its depths and nothing,
not even help from others,
will be able to get me out of it soon.
And the meds, of course,
are making me sick.
But I am not telling anyone
because I need them.
I feel like if this doesn’t
work then nothing will.
And then there is you
who doesn’t know any
of this because we haven’t
talked much about personal stuff.
I am afraid I will get too attached again
and I think that you
are afraid of my lectures.
I want things to be like they were,
for us to be close again like that.
But we’re not and I hate it.
I want instantaneous gratification,
and I want it now.
I want the meds to work,
I want you and me to be us again,
I want my school work to disappear,
I want to relax. But I can’t
and it is driving me crazy.
If my mind isn’t racing
then my body is,
my leg shaking
or my hands.
It’s enough to make me mad, er.
And that is the last thing
that I need right now.
But if it does happen,
I wish it would just jump on me.
Instantaneous. I hate this creeping
shit that everyone pulls.
The pills, the IEP, the craziness
that is sure to come.
I just want it, and I want it now.
I can’t wait for the inevitable,
I can’t wade around just watching
the river around me
slowly rise up. I want a flash flood. Now.