god is she hot
and short too
your type

i know this

she likes the same music as you do
and her body is perfect
do you remember her in cooks forest

yup

did she wear a bikini?

i think so

i love it when she goes tanning at our house
on the deck out back
this one time she just said screw it and took off the top completely

hahaha nice

it was hot
i cant even count how many times i have seen her naked

so0o0o0o0 u trying to make me stab myself or what?

and god do i love it when she wears her hair down

*stabs self*

i can keep going if you want

i remember playing with her hair when it was still wet

the shampoo she uses at home smells soo good
she loves to have her hair played with too

guh
i know
i loved every second of it

the only thing i dont like about her body is the scars
did you ever see the little round one on her back?

not that i know of
i dunno

i did that to her
we were drunk
and we burned each other with cigs

u know what i think i did see that
either that or uve told me the story
cause that sounds so familiar

but yeah, i hate the scars
the ones on her near perfect arms
the one on her hand
the ones on her legs too, they go up pretty high, but i am sure you dont want to hear that

ug no
not from u
i wana see em myself

and then there is her stomach

she has that many scars?

no, no scars on her stomach

oh

its my favorate place because its the only place with out any

o0o0o

its perfectly smooth
and her little belly button, with the piercing

hahaha

and her chest
it has scars

wow

but it is still amazing
perfect set

hahaha

flawed only with random markings of her own hand
there is one
on her left one i think
she took a pin to her it and put pen ink in the cut to try to make a tatoo, its of a heart

hahaha

and higher up on her chest are markings when she took a pen cap to herself
a couple from pen caps
another on her upper arm

pen caps?
thats kinda random

yeah
she was freaking out, couldnt find her blade, tore up her room, and came away with a pen cap
just scratched the hell out of herself

awwww geez

and you wanna know something amazing?

whats that

ask me how she got through it all

ummm
u?

yup

nice
thats why i care so much

thats why i cant ever let her go
even through the drugs, when i would stop talking to her, i knew she would come back to me
and thats why i hate her, for letting me fall in love with her so much
its making things rather complicated now

yeah i bet

9 fucking years

thats a long time

yup

My Hell

I know that smile of yours
The one you rarely show
The one I coaxed from your lips
Only a few times
And I know what makes it hide
The demons you despise
Cursed objects of your admiration
For what can make one such as yourself
Cower in pure fright?
But I also know of a lighter topic
Of a river of tears
So damn strong even the mote of my thumb
Cannot hold them back
Because for what you weep
Is a separate demon all on its own
One of beauty and loss
Of love and fear of loathing
A demon you play with often
A demon you chose over me

Far, Far Away

I was driving to dog sit today.
It was about eleven
at night when I decided to leave.
On the way home
I came to a dead end road,
with one of those yellow signs
with the arrow
pointing in both directions,
as if people couldn't see
that the road did
in fact end there.
Left was home.
Right was not.
I turned right, and sped.
After about twenty minutes
I turned around,
realizing I was missing
two things I needed to do
what I so badly wanted;
my phone charger,
and my computer.
If I had happened
to bring both of these things,
I would probably be in PA
right now, and have no intentions
of going back.

Please Tell Me

I don’t know how you did it.
Be happy that is.
Somehow you managed
to do what I have always
wanted to do.
You became normal.
Its not that I don’t
want to be happy.
God knows I do.
But, it’s like I have
spent the past six
years doing something.
Everyday.
Constantly.
There was no brake,
no reprieve.
Just day in day out.
I did it for six years.
And someone went
and flipped a switch on me.
All of a sudden I don’t
have to do that thing anymore.
I don’t have to do it,
I don’t have to think about it,
I don’t have to dwell
on doing it tomorrow.
Its over. And I don’t
know how to handle myself
with out it. I spent the past
six years feeling like shit,
and now, all of a sudden,
I don’t. just like that.
I should be feeling happy,
feeling relieved that
that part of my life is over.
But instead I feel, well,
in all honesty, I feel empty.
Dry. Cold.
Like what made me who
I was is gone, and now
I have to find something
else to do with my time.
Even writing doesn’t hold
such an appeal as it did before.
I wrote to get away,
and now I have nothing
to get away from.
I am actually looking
for things to be upset about.
I search my surroundings
for something that is amiss,
something that can set me off.
So tell me, how did you do it?
How did you go from
being like what we were,
to this? How did you flip
the switch and not close your eyes to the
light?

Who I Am

So she wants to hang out
with me tomorrow.
And I want to see her.
More than anything
I want to feel like
I am not alone.
But I am feeling apprehensive.
I don’t know if I can
take seeing her. I don’t know
if I can advert my eyes
from her wrist, if I can
look away and pretend
that its all okay. And if I can’t,
if I cant make myself
look away and simply “hang out”,
then I will talk. And neither
of us can take the talking.
So what do I do?
Do I sit at home,
doing nothing, feeling
more alone by the moment?
Or do I have her over,
hold her and bite my tongue
until it bleeds? Scar tissue
will form there, and I will
forever have a reminder
that I am weak,
that I can’t handle even
the simplest of things.
Another constant reminder
of what I am and
what I have become.

Catch Me

So I am falling for him.
I tried not to, not because
I don’t like him,
god knows I do –
but rather because
of my fear of him
hurting me. I know
he would never,
not consciously anyway,
but I also can’t help
feeling like there is
something in the darkness
that I never want to know.
Something I have tasted
but never fully experienced
before. So I tried to
stop myself, to not text him,
to not call him “babe”.
To not get warm inside
when he called me “sweetheart”.
I tried so hard. But, the thing is,
I cant stop chasing him.
I can’t and frankly
I don’t want to either.
If it weren’t for this
overwhelming exhaustion
I have I wouldn’t mind
the least. But I am so tired.
God I am so tired it hurts.
I just want stability,
something to fall back on
when the rest of my world crashes.
And I know my world will crash,
it’s only a matter of time.
Time and everything
I have done will fall;
leaving only the things
that can stand on their own.
If he isn’t there, isn’t with me,
I don’t know what I will do.
Even you can’t support me
when this time comes.
So what will I do when I fall,
and no one is there to catch me?

Weak Knees, Weak Heart

So this possible boyfriend
of mine is, well, he just is.
Frankly I don’t know
what the hell I am doing with him.
We are not dating, I know that.
He likes me, I know that too.
And I can sort of understand
his reluctance. I feel slightly
the same way. But we can’t
do what ever it is we are doing
for much longer. I feel like
I am chasing a dream
when I just wake up;
I know it’s a good one
and I want so badly to hold on to it,
but, like most good dreams,
it slips threw my fingers like dry sand.
I want this. I need it. But I can’t
keep chasing something that
I have no hope of catching.
It is just too exhausting for me
right now. He says have hope,
“hope for the best”, and I do.
God knows it is that hope that keeps
me from freezing solid.
But it is but a candle in a blizzard;
capable of starting a blaze to save me
and just as capable of flickering out,
leaving me even more lost
than when I set out. I am just so sick
of being tired all the time
and unable to sleep. I find myself
staying up, talking to him,
just to make my body as tired as my mind.
I guess that there is not much
that you can do, if anything at all,
but I just wish he would stop running.
So what if the ground starts to shake
underneath him? If anything it may
help make his knees stronger.
If not then I will be there
to help him back up.